Previously - Well the big news is that Julia figured out that Eden was poisoning her so Eden shot her. That's some "American Justice with Bill Kurtis" on A&E shit! Oh, and Sean is being stalked by Sharon Gless, the crazy teddy bear murderer. No, she makes teddy bears and murders people. Oh, and Christian has a daughter he never knew about from the Ozarks or something. And Matt is sleeping with her. Yes, he knows it's his half-sister. What do you want, it's Nip/Tuck!
By J. Harvey
It's that time again, The Nip/Tuck season finale! And my whole season just got made when Jennifer Coolidge refers to her lop-sided tits as "Gail" and "Bozina". Can I stop writing now? I could probably just stop here, right? Oh, and her lips are messed up to. She refers to herself as a "human leaning towar of Pisa" and says that she has to use every bit of her strength not to "keep going around in circles". My comedy prayers have been answered. Her eyes are messed up too. She looks like "Liza on crack". Can I just give you the script for this episode and send you on your way? I know when I'm beat. Jennifer Coolidge is Candy Richards, an actress who appeared as Sean's co-star on an episode of "Hearts and Scalpels". She went to Bangkok for plastic surgery. Isn't that kind of like having your baby in a ditch out in the woods? She didn't want the tabloids to find out. Christian has the ultimate celebrity putdown for her: "I'm sorry, I have no idea who you are". Sean reminds Christian that Candy was the "Pussy Lips" episode. Candy reminds us that she's had a recurring role on every nighttime drama since "Judging Goddamn Amy". Julian McMahon gets my Emmy nod for merely shaking his head in amazement at every bizarre thing she says. Anyway, they cut her up. To the strains of "Fame". God, what a hot song.
As they operate, Christian reveals he's taking an acting class. The gang discusses fame and how it's the only important thing in L.A. A cop shows up. Two cops. One's hot. They spill the news that Julia took a bullet. I hope everyone immediately suspects Eden. "Dirt" is the ultimate example of a show that should be amazing but tripped at the starting gate. No matter how gorgeous Courtney Cox's hair looks. Anyway, back at Willowy Lesbian Headquarters, Eden is spinning a web of lies about how Julia shot herself. She's claiming to the cop that Julia said she was a burden and shot herself in front of her. Oh you dirty douche. Olivia is there believing every word of it because they basically asked Portia De Rossi to play the Stupidest Woman In the World this season. Eden is putting on a good act, but the policewoman notes that the bullet was at an odd angle. Eden claims it was because she was trying to knock her arm away. Eden's still wearing that very odd big pants tiny sleeveless turtleneck outfit. Are 18 year olds in Los Angeles really dressing like old school Katherine Hepburn's stunt double?
More Nip/Tuck, after the jump.
