Celebrities

Paris Hilton got into the wrong SUV while leaving Crimson nightclub over the weekend. She had to climb over some poor bastard to get out. While this sorry son of a bitch had to go home and burn his clothes, and presumably his car, in the backyard, I'm left wondering; what the hell happened to Paris Hilton's lips? Did she pay for those? If she wanted full and, uh, beautiful (?) lips, I would've done it for free. While some doctors with their fancy degrees might use collagen, I would've used a simple procedure on Paris called "anvil to the face." Unfortunately, my work continues to be rejected by medical journals because, according to the letters, it would "make the field of medicine too goddamn awesome." True story. Free Paprazzi Video

Tara Reid arrived in Sydney, Australia on Saturday and apparently aged 30 years during the flight. Jesus, she looks likes she should be working the concession stand at a Bingo tournament. And then after work she can go home to her trailer in Orlando filled with cats, empty gin bottles, and put on a tattered bathrobe that says "Sassy" on the back. The government should put Tara Reid's face on cartons of cigarettes. Not only will people immediately stop smoking, they'll buy packs just to throw out their car window onto the freeway. You know, in case voodoo really works. Free Paprazzi Video

Amy Winehouse was spotted early this morning wandering around her house in nothing but jeans and a bra. She had spent the night partying with friends, and, surprise, when Amy got home she seemed a bit out of it, according to a source for The Sun:

"Amy came out and started stumbling around. She popped her head over the fence like she was looking for something. It was freezing and she had no shoes and just a red bra. She was mumbling something incomprehensible. It wasn't the behaviour of someone in the right state of mind."

But a spokesperson for Amy Winehouse claims it's all just a misunderstanding:

"Amy had been asleep and heard a noise. She went outside to investigate. She didn't realise the time."

I wonder if Amy Winehouse's publicist is at the point where she just gives random excuses for Amy's behavior. Why did your client ride a giraffe into a police station? She forgot to turn her oven off. Why did a bulldozer drop a pile of cocaine into Amy Winehouse's mouth outside of a church? Uh, Babe Ruth. Why did Amy punch a pregnant woman at her last show? Tuna fish sandwich, I dunno. It's because of the drugs, you bloody idiot! Why are you still calling me? I was replaced with a box of Cocoa Puffs last week. There was even a press conference. It was five full minutes of Amy dumping cereal on a stray cat which, I'll admit, was by far the sanest thing I've seen her do. Free Paprazzi Video

These pictures of Jennifer Lopez were taken last night, and they answer my burning question of what J-Lo would look like if she were super pregnant and standing next to Skeletor. Now I finally know and it turned out to be way more sweaty and awkward then I could've possibly imagined. Awesome. I guess being pregnant isn't so bad after all. I don't see why women (i.e. my girlfriend) complain about it all the time (i.e. when I'm watching TV). You get to play Whale-Woman, Queen of the Bitchy Faces. C'mon, that looks like a blast! Or, okay, you can start crying and throw an entire bookcase at me. That seems like fun too. Free Paprazzi Video

Scott Weiland the lead singer for Velvet Revolver and Stone Temple Pilots was arrested for DUI after crashing his car on an LA highway, according to TMZ:

While the California Highway Patrol was investigating the non-injury wreck, they noticed Weiland appeared to be impaired. (Um ... ya think?) According to the police report, Weiland failed sobriety tests and refused to take a blood or urine test.

Scott Weiland was arrested for driving under the influence of a drug, which makes this his third freaking DUI. And yet he gets to hang out with Slash while I'm stuck playing Guitar Hero naked in my living room. Lame. Slash and I should be filling a hotel room full of strippers, instead of me sitting here wondering if my penis can learn how to play the guitar. It can't be more difficult than driving me home from the bar every night. Free Paprazzi Video

Kate Hudson attended Movies Rock: A Celebration of Music in Film at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood last night. Judging by her facial expression she's either seen an old friend or received the engraved invitation to my mountain villa. Though I hope Kate isn't thinking I'll be a "sure thing" just because I had a drunken one night stand with a bag of potato chips. Those chips understood me and we connected on a spiritual level. And by spiritual level, I mean on top of the stove. Like I said, it was totally romantic. Free Paprazzi Video

Cindy Crawford attended the opening of the Hard Rock Hotel's nightclub in San Diego. Will she ever stop looking awesome? Scientists in the future will probably dig up her body and start frantically searching for a miracle cure to reverse death. Sadly, a few days later they'll discover Tara Reid's corpse, immediately abandon their research and vow never to dig up another body again. Why do they keep doing that anyway? Is it boring in the future? Have strip clubs been outlawed? I could really use these answers before I freeze myself in my homemade cryo-chamber. Which is actually a bathtub filled with ice and, okay, beer. I hope my roommate wasn't planning on taking a shower – for the next hundred years! Ha ha, just kidding. He totally won't. That swampy bastard hates baths. Free Paprazzi Video

Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't too happy about all the attention she's been receiving after some unflattering bikini pics of her in Hawaii surfaced. The pictures overshadowed her engagement to Ross McCall which prompted Jennifer to do some blogging:

This is the last time I will address this subject.
I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.
A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body.
To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong. Xoxo JLH

Dear JLH, Thank you for encouraging women of all sizes to wear bikinis. You have provided me with job security for the foreseeable future and I can sleep soundly tonight on my albino tiger skin sheets inside my solid gold house. [Insert symbols for boob-grabbing here] The Superficial Writer P.S. My robot made of diamonds is also thankful that he won't have to be powered down and thrown in the dumpster. He'd thank you himself if he wasn't busy cooking me pancakes and writing this post while I drink my weight in bourbon. Yeah, type that stuff good, robot. Or I'll punch you like a roast beef sandwich. Hey, check this out. I think I peed in the dishwasher again. *laughs* I totally did. No one appreciates the wicked cool stuff I do. *cries* Hold me close, diamond robot, you understand me. What with your strong, shiny arms like my own. Wait, are you still typing? Free Paprazzi Video

Helena Bonham Carter is extremely concerned with continuity while filming and such was the case with her latest film Sweeney Todd. It appears something was causing headaches on set; her crazy large boobs. Page Six reports:

"Anyone who . . . pays attention to my breast size will see there's no continuity," she tells January's Playboy. "The first half of filming I wasn't pregnant, and the second half I was, and because we didn't shoot it in order, I start off with huge breasts and then I walk upstairs and suddenly I've got tangerines again. It's melons to tangerines."

What I love about this article is that Helena Bonham Carter is cutting straight through the bullshit as only a pregnant woman can. While everyone talks about the music and Johnny Depp, Helena gets down to brass tacks and says, "Look, if you watch this movie all you'll notice is my monster rack. As an artist, I'd like to apologize for some inconsistencies in my chest size and hope that you don't let it distract from my milk-gorged breasts, which again, is all you'll notice." Sold. I just bought a week's worth of tickets. Wait, it's not in 3-D?! Tim Burton, I'll kill you! Free Paprazzi Video

Penelope Cruz attended the Spanish Institute Gold Medal Gala in New York. Also in attendance was former president Bill Clinton who was a seat over from Penelope. Unfortunately, Oscar De La Renta was in Bill's way (That's what we call a "cock-block," kids.), so Slick Willy took some evasive action and switched seats to be closer to his target, according to Page Six:

After being presented with a medallion from Queen Sofia, Clinton told the audience, "I was trying to figure out exactly why I would receive this award tonight. It may be because, even though I'm not of Spanish descent, I've seen every one of Penelope Cruz's movies - and I liked them all."

SWISH! Free Paprazzi Video

Selma Blair did a little shopping at the new Kiki De Montparnasse lingerie store in L.A. where she told People that she recently broke up with her boyfriend:

Surrounded by lace slips and garter belts, the actress said her newly single status doesn't lessen her love of lingerie. "I have a lot of it, but mostly for myself," she said. "It just makes you feel beautiful."
And that, incidentally, is also what she's looking for in a man. "I want someone who makes me feel good," she said, adding with a sly smile, "if you know what I mean."

Wait a minute. Selma Blair is just sitting around by herself wearing lingerie and pining for a man. OnStar, take me to Selma Blair! OnStar? Hello? Where the hell is… Dude, OnStar, get out of the fridge! Are you drinking my beer? C'mon! Take me to Selma Blair. It's important. Yes, important enough for me not to wear pants in the car. Look, can we just, I dunno, go back to how things used to be? You know, where you were a little box above my rear-view mirror that obeyed my every command. But this time don't deploy the airbag in my face. I need to look sexy and not all Owen Wilson-nose'd up. May he rest in peace. Free Paprazzi Video

This one's for you, ladies. Here's Johnny Depp at the premiere of Sweeney Todd at the Zeigfeld Theater in New York City. I don't see why women find him so attractive. Sure he's rich, talented and has solid steel abs I could use for some blacksmithing. What do you mean that sounds a little gay? I'm only saying I'd pound out my red-hot broadsword on his abs instead of the traditional anvil. Then I'd go wrestle a dragon or something. I'm pretty sure that's the most heterosexual and medieval mental picture I'll ever paint in my entire life. A cowboy with ass-less chaps and a moustache wants to give me a high-five. That's how straight it is. NOTE: I also added pictures of Keith Richards because women freaking love him. Like this chick who seems to be having a ball carting his surprisingly alive carcass around. Free Paprazzi Video